The stories come back!

So, the improper way to deal with an ex who treated you badly...would probably be letting him into your apartment, have carnal relations with him (of course pulling stunts he never saw you pulling when you were dating) ...then after all is done and he is laying there panting, lean up on an elbow looking at him for a long moment and saying

"You know, that just wasn't as good as I remembered. hmph. Well. You can go now" then going and taking a shower until he leaves.

That being said when the ex is the guy who basically all but proposed to you and then at some point in your relationship vanished (no answers to phone calls, emails, he could have been dead if it weren't for your mutual friends telling you about his play boy escapades)...then the guy has the nerve to show back up one day and treat you like nothing has changed.

This happened years and years ago, but it is a story of one of my particular brands of antics that has gone around to my girlfriends and actually come back to me since from a completely different source.

A friend who was mad about a similar situation, who didn't know me at the time of the ex, said she was tempted to do something like she heard in a story from a friend of a friend. She recounted it in detail which made me blink. The details were pretty sound for a game of telephone!

Ah the days of my youth...so glad I never have to repeat them!

Oh why the heck not! Sex toy review!

Since this blog is about the wonders of dating and mating (note wonders was said sarcastically) why don't we talk about some sex toys!

That's right! Sex toy review!

As many of you know sometimes I get bored and get a bug to post and give reviews of sex toys, makeup, books, movies, you know whatever. I realized it has been a LONG time since I have done a sex toy review...so here you go! Its time for more sex toy talk!

First? things that wiggle giggle and shake!

So, first lets talk about the Nea A pretty little vibrator as pictured that packs a decent punch for being so small. Not for the woman who needs a power tool from the garage to get off but a pretty little thing that is perfect for traveling and makes a beautiful yet sexy gift. The other nice thing is that due to it's diminutive size it can be easily used during sex with a parter...or slipped into your purse, you know, just in case.


You can't really tell in this picture, but this pretty little black vibe is sleek with tiny cherry blossom patterns. It is also hard to tell in this picture but this thing? About the size of a zippo.

Though it may look like a blue hedgehog that was trying to catch a bullet in it's teeth, this is a lot of just light fun for you and your guy (it can also be put onto a dildo according to the manufacture for that alone all about me time) The vibration will probably get you man to laugh, or look really startled since he probably doesn't spend as much time with wiggly little battery operated friends than we ladies do.


ALSO in the wiggle category...the battles of the bunnies!

So, there are so many rabbit habit type vibes out there on the market right? Well I hate to say it but it is going to be a hit or miss battle on which one is right for you. If you have done strong muscles, the original Elastomer Rabbit might not do it for you the motors well...stop under pressure. Or smoke. (don't ask me how I know that. Seriously) and there are just places you don't want to worry about an electrical fire.

Avoid the Surfing Bunny like the plague. I have never used it and the main reason is that when I ordered it? It came out of the box looking like it was put together by an ADHD chimpanzee hopped up on meth with only one arm. Seriously it looked nasty glue drips torn silicone.

Another bunny option that has a stronger motor, is a little narrower but longer and doesn't stop when the going gets...er? tight? try the Doc Johnson iRabbit (does ANYONE else find it disturbing that you can buy it new...or "used" from Amazon? Seriously look at the page)

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Next up, a tie me up if you want to get into a little very light bondage that is easy to travel with, doesn't cost you a lot, and is kind of a good safe starting place for new partners? check it out basic black bondage tape. Think of it as super strong saran wrap in strips, stronger than it looks.

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Now, lets get slippery
Liquid silk is nice stuff, it is light, not greasy feeling and is made of a water base. This means there is minimum dripping, or that OMG I WAS SLIMED BY SOMETHING OUT OF GHOSTBUSTERS unsexy feeling. THAT being said, it might not be heavy duty enough if you are getting into more...tighter hot and heavy things? (reduuuundant. You get my point) also, as it dries it does tend to rub a bit and get a little sticky, but hey! Who doesnt! :P

Gun Oil this is one that is just made to be used when alone, really that is what it was designed for. Not that it is bad with a partner, it just really has a purpose. It is really really thick and might be a bit much to handle with a partner unless you are looking for something heavier. Don't let your country down dammit, soldiers supposedly designed this one! (alright, I have to wonder, how did soldiers design this in the field...I wonder what they tried first. OOOOW THE BURNING!)

Probe feels like you sneezed in your hand, you put it other places...and you get my point. That being said it is an effective lube. It just is REALLY REALLY messy and ends up in places you might not want it. Nothing is worse than feeling like there is snot on your pillow when someone's hand slips. Ewwww.

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Now to the new on the market...aka OOOOO Shiny!...aka G.M.O.O.T (give me one of those!) inducing...and the category of wow who thought that toy up?

The We vibe is being marketed as the first internal partner vibrator. This looks uber neat and yet somehow I wonder about how it would feel for the guy?

Tuyo LOOK! A giant vibrating...er.. ball. Nuff said. Well okay almost nuff, seriously? A vibrating ball? Is this a cat toy or a sex toy?

The Chandra...aka You will love my cyborg finger!!! Seriously I have heard that those are a lot of fun. I just can't help the giggles. Not sure what will happen when trying this one, its hard to get in the mood when one can not stop giggling.

Wow! Look at this!

Missing your ex, wanting them back. (I was more a wanting them to realize they messed up, but then again, I was one of those walk first talk later types. BUT)

I almost feel dirty posting the link to this guy's book, but it was on the side of my facebook page which kind of cracked me up (Way to target advertising, I am married. Of course my exboyfriends came crawling back...that seems to be one of the side effects of getting engaged. That post comes later)

So here is a link about how to get an ex-boyfriend back . Whoa. Holy cow. It is a site that is all about how to get a "boyfriend back after he breaks up with you"

This is actually on the site:

I'm about to reveal to you secrets that most women will never know about men:

1. What exactly goes on inside a man's mind...

2. How to push his "emotional buttons" so he comes crawling back to you...

3. Specifically how to make him commit to you after you get him back..

Up Next, the author will also teach you how to create peace in the middle east, and how to put on your makeup in the pitch black dark with your hands behind your back! I am sorry, how to push his emotional buttons!? A site dedicated to you finding a way to manipulate a man who broke up with you to come back into your life.

First of all, he broke up with you...so barring children, or if he owes you money...why would you want him around anyway? HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. That implies that there is something wrong, either with him, with the relationship or...face it with you. You might just not be right for him. That being said, if it was something about you he didn't want...guess what? It is STILL his problem. (Unless you abused him physically, emotionally or financially. Then you should just stop reading here and go get help for yourself. and not in this book that I am talking about)

Second of all, what does it say about you as a woman (and BTW there are lots of sites on how to get your girlfriend back) that you are going and buying a book on how to push his buttons, and these "techniques" to MAKE him commit to you?

Listen I am all about talking things out, and hell sometimes you break up and get back together (though after one particular relationship in college I took on a no reruns rule) but this? Creepy!

But hey this guy has been a life coach for going on...5 years now! Again from his site:

Triggers that are specific to only men. He'll literally come crawling back like a little puppy dog, begging for another chance with you. If you had that kind of power over your man, how sweet would that be?

Woohoo...wait. What? Thats just what a real woman wants, a man who crawls around like a puppy. Aren't puppies not house trained...and chew shoes?

Actually there is only one line I agree with on this page:

The entire reason you want your ex boyfriend back so badly is because he rejected you.

I can sum the "emotional" buttons this guy is going to sell you right off. Be happy, move on, show the world how faboo you are...because lets be honest nothing sucks quite as much as someone getting way over you, esp if you expect them to be heartbroken. Its something my Dad actually told me off handedly once, and was a constant mantra from my Mom when I was all heart broken over a relationship; living well is the best revenge.

Lets be equally honest, how much would this guy you are trying to get back want to be with you if he knew you were out there buying modern day "spellcasting" books that claim to have magical powers to help you manipulate him into doing what you want.

Maybe there is a reason he left you in the first place that you need to be addressing?

Blind Dates...might just be a movie script waiting to happen.

Recently, a friend went on a blind date and came back mildly disappointed. As in the guy wasn't her dream catch, but was more like a 2 inch tuna. Okay...being disappointed is one thing, but let me tell you as the survivor of many a blind date gone blind deaf and totally dumb...save for the screaming? Disappointment is better than sheer terror, or well? Pulling a muscle in your stomach from struggling to hold in the laughter.

Really? Blind dating isn't all peaches and pornstars. And never. ever. let your friends set you up on a date if you want to stay friends...without you seeing a picture, a resume and a criminal record search of the blind datetobe first.

No. I am not kidding.

Let us talk about Frodo.

Several years ago now....I was set up on a blind date with a man (we shall call him that for now) when I lived in Hawaii. He calls that he is outside my building so I go downstairs to meet with him so he can drive us to dinner. Now, I am 5'7 and was wearing a good 3 inch heel. When I got into the car (He notedly did not get out to greet me but rolled down the window hollering hop in, like he had just purchased me) I found myself really hoping it was the size of the Cadillac SUV and that he was slouching that made him seem so short. (And by so short I wanted to ask where his booster seat was...well after I asked him about the fur.)

There was nothing that could be done for the wife beater that seemed to stand about an inch away from his skin because of the fur he seemed to be covered in. Nor the fact that he had worn a wife beater on a first date...to go to a nice restaurant. Fur. Wife beater. Oh and the chew he had in his mouth.

I was quickly beginning to question the friend that remotely thought this was a good idea. Then, the guy started talking...and I knew without a doubt that my friendship with the girl who had set me up would never be the same. And I pondered what I had done to make her hate me so.

Well, off we go to the restaurant, and he asks if I would be okay just hitting a bar. I need the alcohol to make it through this date I think to myself...so OK! lets do it. This is when he says:

"Great I wanted to celebrate getting my license back, I am really glad we weren't set up before I got it back from my DUI stuff"

Mark that on the list of things to NOT say when you are in the car with a girl, driving her to a bar. (This comes in after surprising a girl that you have been borrowing her underwear when she is gone. That post comes later!)

So, we get out of the car, and I walk around to the side walk...only to find that he is not staring at my chest, he barely comes up to eye level with it. Thats right, even without heels I would have been taller than him by a lot. He puffs up his furry little chest and says something to me about being pretty damned hot and hoping that I put out like most military women he knows...I don't have the phrasing quite right but I am not that much off.

Trust me the emergency text for rescue had already been sent with the single push of the button as we headed for the bar.

All I could think was "Hey Frodo, Lord of the Rings called you furry little bastard...they want the ring back."

Needless to say it was one of the shortest first dates ever...oddly enough because his ex girlfriend happened to be at the bar and proceeded to throw such a scene I was able to exit without his seeing me. The cab ride home? Bliss.

According to an article on CNN

Here is how to be dumped with dignity

Okay number by number here? I am going to go over the things CNN.com has on their list of to dos, or don'ts. Though, the after comments? Those are oh so me.

1. Don't argue with him. NO kidding. Unless you are deciding who keeps the dog, then fight for all you are worth.

2. Don't beg. Ugh. Begging? So not cool. Better to make the other person beg to come back into your life when you move on and do so faboo without them they can hardly breathe for the jealousy.

3. Don't go throwing a loud dramatic public scene? Okay, this one I take some issue with. Why the heck not? If you are being dumped by a guy (or girl) in public...look at them utterly aghast and in a dead pan yet shocked voice say "What do you mean you got drunk and had sex with the dog?" or "You really mean it, you are leaving me for my mother? What is wrong with you?" or "I always wondered why there was vaseline on the lawn mower." Then politely stand up and walk out of the room shaking your head...and stick them with the bill. Why just be a screaming weeping mess? Have some fun with it!

4. Don't befriend his friends. Well okay, yeah it is a bit dirty and skanky to go shagging your exes friends or getting their attention, but lets be frank who hasn't thought about it just a little. Really though? Fish in a different pond. You might still come up with a bottom feeder but at least he will have be full of different pond scum and poo!

5. Exacting revenge. According to the CNN article they say don't do it and use Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction as an example. Alright, so there are limits...but living well is the best revenge and that can't be ALL bad can it? (trust me lots of revenge stories to come!)

6. Don't destroy the ex's stuff. Alright fine, but I don't really agree that you should be spending money on the postage to send it back. Leave it in a box on the doorstep. Sheesh, YOU were the one dumped? Okay, yeah I know bigger person would be better than that...so leave it in a box under an eave where it won't get rained on.

Nice guys finish last...passive aggressive jerks.

Alright, I have always wanted to have a say on the whole "I am a nice guy thats why I didn't get the girl" whining that I hear.

Nice guys finished last, is an excuse. It is the motto of passive aggressive whiners who didn't get the girl because someone else manned up first.

Fine, you are a nice guy, and the guy that GOT the girl you want is an asshole. Admittedly he might well BE a jerk, but at the same time? ANY guy who got the girl you wanted will seem like a bastard to you...cause he got the girl!

I have met a few honest to goodness nice guys, but let me tell you there is a serious difference between being a gentleman and a nice guy to being a passive aggressive pushover who simply doesn't know how to actually get the girl he wants. The "I am the nice guy and will never get the girl" whining and excuses? So not sexy.

This is what kills me, the guys I hear whining about how they were relegated to just being a friend? How they are a nice guy and will always get the shaft (instead of giving it)? There is a part of me that wants to tell them to STFU because seriously, can you blame the girl for not picking a man who is more girly about things than she is?

There is nothing sexy about the bitter nice guy. Guess what, that isn't nice, that isn't attractive, that is being a drama queen. It would be like me wearing a steel chastity belt with no way to unlock and then bitching because my man doesn't put out. (now THAT gives me a few ideas!)

If you like the woman? Man up. You don't have to be a dick to be the girl, but at least act like you have one. Clear the sand from your mangina, and figure out that it is not the nice guy who finish last...it is the passive aggressive whiner who loses out to a guy that behaves like a man.

Nice guys really don't finish last when it counts. It is the insecure guys who like to make excuses that do.

Please note, I am not saying that some girls don't go for the total jerk! We do. Trust me, I did. The badder the better for a while there. Most of us grow out of it. Thing is, what kind of weenie are you if every time she gets hurt by the bad boy you are there to pick up the pieces...but are also there to be "hurt" when she just sees you as a friend and goes right back to some other guy.

Bonus notes:
1. You REALLY lose bitching rights about being the walked over nice guy if you never had the balls to tell her how you felt.
2. You also don't get to bitch if she told you that you two were only ever going to be friends, but you were still there hoping that by friends she meant that someday just like in the movies she would fall into your arms but there the "bitch" goes marrying someone else. Psst. Movies aren't real. Transformers and unicorns won't save the world either.

Starting out

Let me first start out by saying I am married. Very happily married to a man who takes my breath away with how amazing he is. Well that or wheezing with laughter at how ridiculous he is.

This blog is a place where I plan to recount my dating trial and error (so that in my old age I don't forget), stories I hear from my friends (ala Sex in the City with more reality. You know, sticky things, actually breaking a sweat, and all that?), or just general commentary, because lets be honest? Dating and mating? Thats some funny stuff.

More to follow!