Blind Dates...might just be a movie script waiting to happen.

Recently, a friend went on a blind date and came back mildly disappointed. As in the guy wasn't her dream catch, but was more like a 2 inch tuna. Okay...being disappointed is one thing, but let me tell you as the survivor of many a blind date gone blind deaf and totally dumb...save for the screaming? Disappointment is better than sheer terror, or well? Pulling a muscle in your stomach from struggling to hold in the laughter.

Really? Blind dating isn't all peaches and pornstars. And never. ever. let your friends set you up on a date if you want to stay friends...without you seeing a picture, a resume and a criminal record search of the blind datetobe first.

No. I am not kidding.

Let us talk about Frodo.

Several years ago now....I was set up on a blind date with a man (we shall call him that for now) when I lived in Hawaii. He calls that he is outside my building so I go downstairs to meet with him so he can drive us to dinner. Now, I am 5'7 and was wearing a good 3 inch heel. When I got into the car (He notedly did not get out to greet me but rolled down the window hollering hop in, like he had just purchased me) I found myself really hoping it was the size of the Cadillac SUV and that he was slouching that made him seem so short. (And by so short I wanted to ask where his booster seat was...well after I asked him about the fur.)

There was nothing that could be done for the wife beater that seemed to stand about an inch away from his skin because of the fur he seemed to be covered in. Nor the fact that he had worn a wife beater on a first date...to go to a nice restaurant. Fur. Wife beater. Oh and the chew he had in his mouth.

I was quickly beginning to question the friend that remotely thought this was a good idea. Then, the guy started talking...and I knew without a doubt that my friendship with the girl who had set me up would never be the same. And I pondered what I had done to make her hate me so.

Well, off we go to the restaurant, and he asks if I would be okay just hitting a bar. I need the alcohol to make it through this date I think to myself...so OK! lets do it. This is when he says:

"Great I wanted to celebrate getting my license back, I am really glad we weren't set up before I got it back from my DUI stuff"

Mark that on the list of things to NOT say when you are in the car with a girl, driving her to a bar. (This comes in after surprising a girl that you have been borrowing her underwear when she is gone. That post comes later!)

So, we get out of the car, and I walk around to the side walk...only to find that he is not staring at my chest, he barely comes up to eye level with it. Thats right, even without heels I would have been taller than him by a lot. He puffs up his furry little chest and says something to me about being pretty damned hot and hoping that I put out like most military women he knows...I don't have the phrasing quite right but I am not that much off.

Trust me the emergency text for rescue had already been sent with the single push of the button as we headed for the bar.

All I could think was "Hey Frodo, Lord of the Rings called you furry little bastard...they want the ring back."

Needless to say it was one of the shortest first dates ever...oddly enough because his ex girlfriend happened to be at the bar and proceeded to throw such a scene I was able to exit without his seeing me. The cab ride home? Bliss.